People grows.

Sometimes, i wonder...

What is family? 

What is friendship?

What is religion?

What are dreams?

24hours are what we have everyday.

Impermanence.

I remind myself every now and then.

Family-home; 

is the place where welcomes & loves you regardless of your infinite.

Friends; 

are those who share your laughter & tears, play hard & also get screwed together.

Religion; 

is the unseen space within your soul, where your conscience lies, your pillar of strength when everything else collapses.

Dreams; 

are what push you forward, inspires and keeps you moving on & on.

Cherish, love, but don't indulge.

Is moderation a possible thing to achieve?

How would you describe me in 3 words?

Hello dear friends & readers:D

Its been long since i updated,
I really have alot to share but lets do it slow
(the truth is im kinda lazy to update frm time to time :P)

Im currently in my 4th out of 6 postings as HO,
Yet still undecided whether i love surgical or paeds more.
One thing for sure,im not that kinda OCD and meticulous girl that a paediatrician should be(p/s this isnt a negative remark!i totally understand that its necessary kinda thing)

Lets not rush things...

While some of my friends have already gotten married & even "produced" their offspring,Im still a little girl chasing over adventures. So glad to find some close friends in a tiny community in my hospital. My partners of crime of travelling to exotic places,be it near or across the sea^^V

As i grow up,the more i realized how we should take things easily,don't be too harsh to others and to yourself either.Im not good at scolding people,because i never believe in being vocal,as most of the people im dealing with now are adults,so stop expecting they will change because of you shouted at them.The most i will do is just talk or hint or try show them the right way.Then just continue doing my part.Just...CHILL LA

Sometimes i may feel a little bit guilty for pouring out my frustration regarding certain people though...But i only if you really get onto my nerves,ok? XD

Thats about it.Its just me,being random.This is me,writing spontaneously while sitting in my neonate standby room.
*May all babies born vigorous during my call,fingers crossed^^"

the morning dew

The sweet refreshing scent of morning dew

hanging at the tip of the grass

so fragile

so pure

The moment is not ever lasting

but, thanks to mother nature

it happens naturally

every single day

Lets start anew, friend

be as pure as the morning dew

hold on tight even when the strong wind blows

Don's be afraid, friend

even if you were being stepped on

you rise again the next day

Keep your coherence as the morning dew

happy with your own existence

Dance, have fun

sing with the rhythm of the rain

with your head held high

Short-lived, who cares?

Life principles for me to live on:
Reply rudeness with a smile
Reply sarcasm with true kindness.

Don't fight back.
Forgive and forget.

Because these situations are conditioned.
And conditioned things are impermanent.

Counting...

Grateful, for the beautiful place that Im working in. The kinda town which is so laid back, relaxed. The kinda hill that houses cute monkeys, giant trees & sweet fresh air.

Grateful, for a good companion of the day. Sharing thoughts on life.

Grateful, for an opportunity to contribute a little in helping children with leukemia via charity.

Grateful, for the healthy body that allow me to hike up a steep hill. Being able to enjoy the nature & scenery from above, staring at the opposite countless more of hills reminded how tiny creature we actually are. So, do good, have good intention, always. We can't change the world, but we can change ourselves.

Grateful, for the rainy day where i can tuck in my blanket and have my peaceful nap.

and Im still counting:)

Counting

Thankful, for working with good boss that triggers, teaches and gives you encouragement. It gives me strength & confidence. And sometimes, reassurance is all I need.

Thankful, for anybody who talked bad behind my back. It teaches me that we can't please everybody, & definitely can't make everybody happy. While meeting with those people, i just need to shut my senses and carry on with my life.

Thankful, for non-stop admissions during my oncall. It teaches me to stay calm, be more organized & knowing how to weigh between critically ill patient that needs urgent attention vs stable patient that can wait. 

Thankful, for no admission during my oncall as well! Teaches me nothing, but allows me to take some nap throughout the night.

Thankful, for the freedom that Im having. People may call this as lonely, but I named it "freedom" or "liberation".

Thankful, for the lovely family that I think i've been taking for granted. They make me feel like, no matter how much flaw I have, they will still accept and love me for who I am.

Im still counting :)

Discharge surgically!

Discharged surgically after 4 months of training under the awesome Surgical Department in Hospital Taiping...

Been learning alot and just hope that my knowledge acquired throughout these 4 months will be adequate to save lives while Im working as a MO next time in only-God-knows-which district hospital.

Its time to move on to my second rotation of training as House Officer, hoping that I will still keep my spirit high, continue to learn & pick up essential knowledge & skills, and continue to care & feel for my patients. Anybody can become a good Dr who provides the correct management. But sometimes, what the patient needs can be much more than that, they need motivation, they need listening ears, they need jokes & laughters, and they need love.

Regarding their own diagnosis, they need explanation, because this is their body, their life. Once in a while I will see patients coming for follow-ups in clinic due to some malignancy, but upon asking whether they know what findings were the investigations done to them, its quite surprising that they were either given ambiguous answers or totally hidden beneath the truth! Honesty is really important, at least to me. Breaking bad news is hard, but it needs to be done, so just do it with lots of sensitivity and care towards their feelings. Being honest is being fair to them.

One thing that I learned after working as a Dr in the past 4 months, is that we can provide the best care & management, but patient still dies, simply because this is how life progresses. However, we must be vigilant enough to identify any correctable abnormalities and to correct them. If it's beyond our ability to manage, do not be afraid or ashamed to ask your superior/MO from other departments. Do not let the patient dies just because of your own ego of not asking.

Took my end of posting off days. I think it is worth to take off after each postings. Life isn't just about working. I do admit that sometimes I care for my patients but forgot to care for my beloved family & friends. And of course not to forget some me-time, for self-reflection and mind rejuvenation. So far I have no plans at all on how im gonna spend my EOP off days, Im simply enjoying the freedom, not tying myself up for anything.

Well its already quite late at night, time to get some quality sleep, and if Im still alive & breathing next morning, lets see how Im gonna spend my day! Isn't it sounds awesome??
:D

Of work & family

Hello world! C=

Countdown 4 days towards the end of my first posting during HO-ship. General Surgery has ALWAYS been my favourite posting ever since when i was a medical student.

Be it the excitement of holding a surgical blade,
the satisfaction of seeing patients recovered after you cut them open and fixed those shits,
the straight forward & open minded attitude of surgical based people,
the charisma of surgeons who wear fancy cap & blue OT uniform....

Anyway, life needs to move on. As my surgical MO once told me: "Others departments are important too and you can learn as much from them." So, yea im still gonna keep my spirit high as how i did in surgical.

                           ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥     ♥

Feeling a lil regretful these days as my parents told me: "Vivian no longer makes frequent calls home anymore as how she did while she was studying..." Sometimes Im just too tired after work, and don't feel like talking. Well i just hope that once a week trip back home will make up for the 5 days of not calling back home. I usually talk A LOT once i meet them! :P 

And the fact that not calling back home doesn't mean that im not missing you or not loving you anymore. Please don't be jealous of my patients because im seeing them more often than im seeing you ya LOL!!! Because im treating them as if im treating my own parents.

HO life

HI WORLD! :D

its been a long while! Well i guess when life gets so comfortable it never trigger your creative part of your brain to work & write... As expected, holiday after i passed my final MD exam was a bliss. Been travelling with my uni besties to Vietnam & Cambodia, also spent some quality time for meditation retreats. Nevertheless, most of the sweetest time were spent with my beloved family. However, life is not forever a bed of roses, when the time has come we move on to the next phase of life=working!

To be honest, I love my job. Been feeling so much alive after started working. I knew from the very beginning that a doctor's job isn't easy, but i never imagined it to be this tough! Those stories that i thought were rumours are actually quite true. During the first 2 weeks of so called "tagging" period, we work for 17 hours a day. Most of the days we didn't get the chance to have lunch/dinner simply because the ward works were never been finished. Yea I learnt how to write faster, to jog instead of walk, to talk faster, to poke veins more accurately & suck the blood out the speediest way. Those were not been easy to me, since im the kinda person who prefer to work at my own pace steadily calmly peacefully. One can never stops learning isn't it? :)

Of course, it takes much love & courage to work in this profession. A patient who came in with burnt wound was yelling in pain, when you tried to clean & debride the wound, he yelled so much louder. Sometimes, we just have to be stone-hearted for our patient's sake. It is so important to stay calm & complete our procedure fast. I tried my best to care for my patients, when i cannot stop their pain, at least i can offer some comfort by holding their hands.

There isn't any existence of the perfect job in this world. Its up to you to perceive it that whether your job is great or sucks. I received negative emotions/comments/words, but i also learnt much from them. So far im utmost thankful to have really helpful colleagues & bosses that were willing to teach & tolerate my mistakes.

Thats all for this time, gotta rest before starting my night shift followed by another morning shift. For my fellow colleagues & university mates, may we work with positive mind filled with love & care each day! :D

Preparing my mind for exam

Its kinda hard to believe that it's actually less than 1 month away from our final MD exam! People around me, including myself has started to become panic & insecure these times. Its really nice to hear from our phase coordinator that we no need to worry too much, that we've already been studying for 5 years! We have studied enough, man~ The knowledge is actually just around the corner of your brain. Just relax...And hopefully the 2 weeks of study weeks will be enough for us to organize and extract out what we've learnt in these 5 years. Being panic is not productive. For me, the only way of being productive is when I enjoy talking with patients, learn and read about their illness when i get back to my room. Then I realised that the keyword is to ENJOY. Love what you're doing, enjoy what you're reading.

Professional 3 exam may sounds terrifying on its own. But so often, everybody is scared because we're actually creating our own fear. We create horrible scenes in the future within our own mind. We tend to think about how BAD things might happen. Instead of thinking of how WELL things might turn out to be!

Here comes our last week to be spent in the ward, stress-free, learning from our patients without bearing any responsibility or fear of any consequences that might cost a person's life. During this last week as a medical student, hopefully all of us can still enjoy learning medicine!^^

Till we meet next time, just would like to remind myself and my fellow batchmates...

ALWAYS HAVE HOPE AND FAITH IN OURSELVES

BELIEVE THAT THINGS WILL TURN OUT ALRIGHT

BEST OF LUCK❤

are you the prisoner of your mind?

Everybody faces crisis at some points of their lives
You're not the only one

Break the cage and get out!
From the prison of the past
for there's no point of lamenting over the history

Break out!
From the prison of the future
Stop being anxious and worried about everything that have yet to come
for it's IMPOSSIBLE to predict what is going to happen

Break out!
From the prison of your own perception
You're imprisoning yourself as long as you're perceiving
that you deserve a better somewhere/somebody/something

So, take a deep breath
enjoy the present moment
live life NOW to the fullest potential

happy 2014 ^^

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

The past is the past
The future has yet to come
The present is the only moment worth living

As usual, im setting my rule of living 2014:

1. Always put my heart & energy onto the present moment.
2. Learn to take myself as my own refuge, stop relying my happiness on others.
3. Listen to my heart, and be ME, despite of current society's norm/expectation.
4. Be honest and truthful to myself and others.
5. Have compassion towards everybody.
6. Be responsible for my own action, speech and thinking.
7. Be humane, upright & virtuous in terms of action, speech and thinking.

Sincerely wishing everybody a fruitful year ahead :)

from the red zone

In the Red zone:

I saw the fragility of human life
Death can be so simple, easy and fast

A knock on the head
An electric shock
A leg infection
A simple fall

It can just occur in a split second
Just within a blink of our eyes

Drs try their best to resuscitate patients whom lives were just hanging on a thread
Even if they succeed in recovering the beating of the heart
There is no guarantee on the viability of other organs
The other various factors that sustain life other than the heart

We cheer when we see stable sign on cardiac monitoring
But that could only lasts for a few hours
There are too many things that we couldn't control or predict

Our lives

can be just as fragile as an ant's

When we see death

It should be a wake-up call for us

To start living 

:)

the forgotten-part two

Continued from the previous post...

I cherished my chance of being enrolled into a Medical Degree programme very much. During the pre-clinical years, I studied so hard, way beyond my own previous limits. That time, extra-curricular activities like Wushu Club and Chinese Cultural Night were my only way to escape from lecture notes and books. Those minor and major Professional exams were the most stressful situation I have ever faced.

Living under such constantly stressful and depressing environment, it killed my heart. I can hardly feel. Eventually, what I've been chasing after is to pass all my exams with good grades. Bits by bits, I've forgotten the reason why am I here for the very first place.

Of course, I've passed all my pre-clinical exams gracefully. Here comes the clinical years. Posting after posting, the very same thing happened: blurry first week, less blurry second week, pacing up in third week, motivationally driven forth and fifth week, and VOILA! End posting exam in the sixth week. Being lack of exposure to clinical exam styles during our pre-clinical years, our end posting exams are usually as stressful as Professional exams can get. Again and again, we just aim to pass every postings so that we won't need to stay here for another extra 1 month for remedials while others are enjoying their holiday at home.

BUT!

Something was different though, clinical years somehow made me to be able to FEEL again. Over time, my feelings get stronger. After clerking and talking to my patients, I wished I could help. Looking at how caring the specialists can talk to their patients and plan the best treatment for them, its really hard not to be touched and inspired. Indeed, this is the NOBLEST profession of all. This is what Im looking for I guess, to be able to contribute something, to help somebody before I die.

I am only a final year medical student, placed at the lowest hierarchy during ward rounds. But as sincere as I can get, I truly hope that our seniors, namely House Officers, Medical Officers, Registrars and Specialists could acknowledge our presence more. We are humans, we need motivations. I may not be the best medical student, but I do have a heart to learn to become a good, safe and caring doctor.

"With great power comes great responsibility"

Nowadays, I allow myself to make mistakes and ask stupid questions. Because the great responsibility of handling lives hasn't come to me yet, not until after the day of graduation. Im trying my best to handle my stress level, not letting it to be too over-whelming as it gives more negative impact than positive ones to myself. Im cultivating my heart to be able to feel how patients feel, to see them as if they are my family members.

Well, seems like I have NOT forgotten my dream afterall :) 

~The End~

The forgotten-part one

I stumbled upon some thoughts today:
What do I really want to become in the near-future?
What's the purpose of living such a stressful medical student's life?

The scene need to be rewind to about 7 years ago...

I was a cheerful bubbly & plump girl who loved Biology. I was so fascinated by the anatomy and physiology of human bodies. I also believed that an interesting life should be driven by passion and full of challenges. Someday I read in the newspaper that revealed much of the populations in Malaysia who are still living in poverty were neglected in terms of healthcare. Those were also the time of Earthquake happening in China, with the news keep on reporting how the doctors from all around the world willing to step out from their comfort zone to lend some helping hands to the earthquake victims. I was so inspired.

When I was young, I spent a lot of time thinking about LIFE. How to live a fruitful life? How to live without regrets? And before I die, is there anything that I can do to make this world a better place? After driven further by these "ambitious" thoughts, I finally decided that the only profession that I would love to spend my lifetime pursuing it is to become a DOCTOR.

I told myself that, no matter what happens, my dream MUST come true! That contributed to my inner-strength, to stay strong even when I need to leave my home just a few days after I successfully appealed and got myself a place in Pahang Matriculation programme. I cried almost every night due to the cultural shock that I was facing, and of course nevertheless-homesickness. But I kept on reminding myself to stay strong and never forget about my dream.

Eventually I conquered Pre-University programme and was lucky enough to get chosen by USM as the first batch of APEX medical students. If you ask any medical students, I believe that they will tell you almost the same story, that our lives were really miserable awful stressful, with all those medical textbooks we need to read, thousand of diseases to understand and countless clinical skills we need to practice and acquire. Well, people often talked about when you succeed in getting what you want, you'll tend to forget how precious and how it meant the whole world to you in the first place.

Mind you, this is so true.

to be continued...

Calling for a final boarding!

I still couldn't believe that Im already a final year medical student.

Oops, provided if I pass my Final Professional Exam :)

Because nobody could predict the future.

It's not that Im not a confident person,

but if my medical knowledge & skill is still lacking,

I'd rather spend another extra 6 months in medical school,

to make sure that Im REALLY competent to become an HO,

to cater to the sick & needy patients as much as I can.

♥    ♥    ♥

Nah...

Sorry for starting this with such a melancholic tone ;P

Here comes the end of 3rd out of 5 weeks in Surgery rotation. Final year is indeed much stressful compared to last year as most of our major postings have been cut short for at least 1-2 weeks, in spite of the usual 6  weeks. So practically during the first week of each rotation we are expected to recapture everything we learned in the same rotation last year; the second week is for us to escalate and brush up whatever knowledge which we didn't afford to do last year due to time limitation; the third and fourth weeks are for us to practise, completing logbook & case report; and here comes the fifth week which will be our end-posting exam. Mind you, some rotation eg: Orthopedic was given only 3 weeks duration! >.<

Not only we must concentrate on our current rotation, we also need to do revision on other rotations by practising short cases with friends during weekends, and doing past year questions. Yea, sounds damn lots and scary huh~ But as Ajahn Brahm said:" Doing it is easy, thinking about it is the difficult part." So most of the time I'll just stop thinking about stress and just complete whatever daily learning issues I assigned to myself. Then, keeping my fingers crossed that everything will turn out just alright :)

End posting exam is no longer a big issue for us, as we're now more concerned about our true capability of functioning as a HO by next September. Listening to our lecturer's scolding about how scarce is our clinical knowledge now hurts a thousand times more compared to last year, because deep down inside everyone of us is so worried that we won't be able to become a good doctor next year. Whereas listening to our lecturer's encouragement and praising our efforts means a thousand times more as it builds the confidence within us. 

Im always been a believer of love & encouragement. Those are the vitamins that feeds positive mind and energy in us. To me, being harsh and scolding leads to more negative mind and energy among people, eventually they will feel defeated and stop trying.

This is about it I guess. Im still holding on. Thinking about all my friends who're "boarding the same plane" with me, somehow gives me some relief. May all of us be trying our best to learn and practise more. If our seniors can do it, we can too^^

Tata :]

Elective in Hospital Teluk Intan

Just finished my 3 weeks of elective attachment to Medical ward in Hospital Teluk Intan.

First time for me to stay in a new town all by myself, without any friends or family around.

First time to drive around alone in a new town.

First time to get to know & explore a new working/learning place by myself.

First time to learn medicine & share knowledge with med students from other varsities like UKM & UiTM.

First time renting a room and stayed with an old couple. Turned out that they were super kind and nice people! They were like my own family members even though i only stayed with them for as short as 3 weeks!

A wonderful experience indeed!
Learnt alot from the specialists here and from other hosp who came to teach their varsity's medical students.

Its time to spend & cherish the remaining 1 week+ holiday with my family.
In the meantime,getting ready mentally and physically(which is not a problem now as i've been gaining weight during hols!haha!:P) to resume my final year in USM MD studies!

Ps: Life's too short & unpredictable. Live fruitfully for this very moment. Do good whenever you're capable. Cherish & be contented.

Yea its definitely easier to be said than done! It takes time to train ourselves to always be mindful. Just don't give up hope:)

End of 4th year MD study

ALOHA READERS!!!:D

Another long interval from my last blogpost, sorry for that:)

Just finished my end posting exam in Paediatric... It was of so much fun! Lecturers and specialists were all so motivational, informative and gave us lots of encouragement^^ Initially i thought kids have always hated me, because I tend to make my baby cousins scream and cry during family gathering in CNY. But the kids in the hospital seemed to get along so well with me. Hmm~good sign! A pat on the back for myself haha!

Now, my fouth year MD studies has come to an end. BUT I HATE PACKING!!! The only motivation to urge me to pack is my parents' face... Really missing my family, my home and my pets alot... Can't believe that Im actually been away for about 3 months until one day when Daddy called, he told me about shifting the furniture arrangement in our living room, then only I realised I couldn't recall how my living room looked like anymore! How sad is that huh:'(

But that doesn't matter anymore as I will be heading home in 2 days time^^

My next blogpost will be something lovely & warm from home:)

stay tuned...

 

O&G

Hi dearest readers, so sorry for the temporary abandonment. I've been quite busy lately because Im currently been posted to Obstetric & Gynaecology posting. A posting that evokes fear in most people. Full of malignant examiners(strict specialists), torturing oncalls and of course, highest exam failure rate compared to other postings.

Just finished my long case clinical examination a few hours ago! That's why Im free to spare some time in blogging, besides I also need some relaxation period to calm down my mind.

Lets ask yourself some questions:
Have you ever feel that your life is always full of obstacles?
Have you envious of others because their journeys are much easy and smooth as compared to yours?

Personally, I did felt that way! Especially when I tend to get the scariest, strict-est, high-ranking Profs as my supervisors/examiners in each postings. Don't ask me why. I...just...tend...to...be...SO "LUCKY"!!! At first I was feeling really frustrated: Why always me??? But, as time goes by, posting by posting... I was able to recognize that its actually a blessing in disguise. Seriously, its such a strong motivational force to urge me to be more hardworking, always push myself to study more, read  more, clerk more patients and learn from them. Without having that fear & anxiety of failing or getting scold by specialists during exam, I won't be that motivated on pushing myself to the extreme. So, in the end of the story, no matter what the outcome will be, Im still thankful for any scary Profs that made me learn so much in each and every postings. Just wish that the knowledges can stay longer in my brain:) Hopefully the knowledge that I equipped will be helpful when I start my work as a HO in one year time.

Obstetric & Gynaecology, its one of the toughest major posting that I've been through. Reason is that we were not exposed to much O&G stuffs during our first 3 years of medical studies. That means its actually our very first time to learn everything about pregnancy, and how to manage a patient from any antepartum>intrapartum>postpartum complications. I was being put into a Heavenly Team A, in which the specialist will listen patiently to our case presentation, discuss and teach us alot! Utmost grateful for that^^ It's also the only posting that we will be given chances to improve our skills of blood taking, setting IV lines etc etc. Although oncalls were such a torture, but nevertheless, its a good exposure to us to anticipate how our HO life will be when we are working in O&G department later. We had 2 weekday oncalls(6pm-6am) and 1 weekend oncall(24hours), when we need to fulfill logbook requirements of conducting 5 normal deliveries. That's the most messy yet exciting and interesting part. For me, the most enjoyable moment is watching the mother cuddling the newborn in her arm after endured hours of pain and torture. That could simply moved me to tears. Of course, it also reminded me of how my mother suffered through the pain to give birth to me and my siblings. Labour pain, I heard that its actually beyond and transcends all the pain existed in this world.

6 weeks ended like rockety fast! Im gonna miss those moments of oncalls, where I sit beside moms in labor, chatting with them to somehow distract them from labour pain, and encouraging them to push when they start the delivery process. Thinking back, when I was assisting HOs to do suture at 3am and I was practically falling asleep while standing, that was hilarious! Not to forget about the BABIES!!! Looking at you with such innocent eyes after they just survived tunneling through the birth canal. Nevermind, I will meet with more BABIES starting from next week>entering Paediatric soon, which is my final posting in 4th year!^^

This is the thing: Although I may complain relentlessly about how miserable my life in USMkk might be, I still love my medical school. Simply because it has a good teaching policy, a student-friendly teaching hospital, specialists that are so willing to teach, and cooperative patients! Its still one of the best medical school in Malaysia, I must say. So, a message to myself and also juniors who are reading this, cherish and grab every learning opportunity given to you in USMkk Medical School, and may all of us succeed in our career in terms of providing service and taking care of the sick! Never to forget our starting point of chasing this dream: to help cure the sick, or at least relief their sufferings.

Wow, this is really alot! Better stop here, strive for my MCQ paper in 2 days time!
Tata~

Elements that constitute L.I.F.E

There are so may elements that constitute life.
Your academic result,
Your social status,
Your wealth,
Your job,
There are not everything.

Because there are things that money couldn't buy.
Time spent with your loving family.
Faith and trust from your friends.

Our parents are aging.

Siblings are growing up.

You can't stop time.
The clock is always tickling.
Without you knowing, you're losing some important moments and persons.

So,
for students who are busy chasing A's in their result slip,
for working adults who are preoccupied with earning money and job promotion,
for most people who take materialism like electronic gadgets, cars and houses seriously.
Stop, step back, and look.
What is more cherishable?